Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
