totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
