So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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