nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
