im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You pole danced in your parka.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
