i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
