Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
