I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
