there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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