Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
