Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
