I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Your penis caused this!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
