Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
