Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
