You don't have asthma, your pregnant
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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