you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
