I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
