did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
