Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
