Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
