you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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