i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
