i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
