I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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