im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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