physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
