I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
