6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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