as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
