Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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