I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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