I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
