so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
