Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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