Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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