I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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