Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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