i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
