God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
