i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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