Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
