Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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