He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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