I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
