please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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