bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
