Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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