i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
