Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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