im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
