You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
