I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
