If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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