if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
