I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
