How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
