Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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