I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
