just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
