Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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