he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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