I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
