Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
